Friday, 25 September 2015

Update & Our Bucket List

Hello again everyone :)

I'm just popping in with an update :) .We have just over nine months left until our wedding and it is becoming very real that we are going to be Mr and Mrs P soon. I will be blogging a lot more regularly from now on! 

Soo... what have we been up to?

Since starting my blog, Mr P and I have been going through some challenging times fertility wise and this has been completely taking over any joy that the wedding planning and house rennovating should come with! I've kept this all quiet for so long and now I realise it doesn't have to be that way, it shouldn't be a taboo subject. 

Lots of people when they think of people going through fertility struggles, think of people in their 40's, people who for whatever reason have waited to have children, whether by choice or not (And that's totally okay too! People judge far too easily when it comes to this baby making stuff).

But it's not just those that are older that struggle with this, some people in their 20's like us, do as well. 

I just wanted to talk about this as I think it's important. 

We knew due to a previous operation I'd had to remove an ovarian cyst, that it would maybe be a challenge to have children but nothing could of prepared us for how hard and heartbreaking it actually was. 

We are literally so sick and tired of seeing and hearing in the news about how people should have children young and not wait. What is telling women that constantly really achieving? First up, what makes people think that it is always someone's choice to wait? It's not. Yes, fertility declines with age, people know that, but the media just makes those who did have to wait feel worse, like somehow it's their fault, when none of this is ever an individuals fault. Maybe they have struggled through bad relationships and only just found the right person for them, or maybe they did want to focus on their career first. There is nothing wrong with that.

And second up, that makes us, as twenty somethings who are supposed to be at our most fertile, feel abnormal and alienated!

Here are a few things you need to know about fertility struggles:

- It's isolating and very lonely. It can feel very unfair and you feel less of a woman/man.

- You can't possibly understand unless you have been there yourself.

- Relaxing won't help.

-  You begin to really doubt the phrase "money doesn't buy happiness" when you are told the best chance of a successful pregnancy is through a private clinic.

- It's tough on a relationship. Really tough. Any romance totally goes when you are taking fertility medications and being told when to have intercourse by a consultant whilst he is doing an internal ultrasound.

- If you used to have a fear of needles, you definitely won't after going through fertility struggles. Day 3 bloods, day 21 bloods, a HSG (not a needle but it isn't nice) , more blood tests, yet more blood tests, injections for some. Oh and more blood tests when you do get pregnant to check your hcg is rising properly. Then there is the over 13 vials of blood some people have to have taken for immune testing/killer cells testing for IVF. There is recurrent miscarriage testing, and the list continues. Lets not forget the STI urine and blood tests you have to have regularly even though you have been with the same partner in a serious relationship for years. 

- You don't like people anywhere near your phone for fear they see your 5 apps related to tracking your cycle.

- You've spent more on pregnancy tests than a lot of people have spent on their car. And you have the ability to see pink lines on every white surface.

-BFN, BFP, EWCM, CM, TTC , LTTTC, AF, all become part of your daily vocab.

The list could go on but you get the idea.

Here are some do's and don'ts if you have a friend or relative struggling with infertility/miscarriages etc.

-DON'T ask somebody when they are planning to have children/have another if they haven't already volunteered the info themselves. Yes this might be a seemingly innocent question but you don't know who has been trying to conceive for years or who has just lost their baby that week.

-DON'T tell us it's simple and to just have a few drinks and a night in with each other. Medical problems often require medical intervention, not a few glasses of wine and some romantic gestures... but wouldn't that be lovely.

-DON'T offer up your children when your childless friend is telling you their struggles. Yes, it's a joke but we want to know you appreciate yours and besides, we want our own baby!

-DON'T.. please don't... ever utter the words "You can always just adopt." There is no "just adopting" . It is also a very long, painful and expensive process and although that will be an option for many, we all want our child to be a mixture of ourselves and the person we love. 

-DON'T act awkward around us if you are pregnant. We are happy for you, no one would wish it on their worst enemy. It just makes us feel guilty and even more isolated if you act different around us.

-DON'T say the words "At least you know you can get pregnant" as soon as somebody loses a baby. 

-DO: Be there for your friend, don't try and make them feel better, just agree with them as to how unfair it is. That is all we need sometimes.

-Unless you have been through it DO acknowledge you won't understand, but say you will try to do your best too.

-Whilst we don't want you to act awkward around us about your own baby news etc, anyone struggling really appreciates it if you DO tell them via text/email/phone to give them some time to absorb it before seeing each other face to face. We are super happy for you but sometimes we just need a good cry afterwards too.

-DO look up different medications taken during trying to conceive/ pregnancy so you can have some understanding of the extra hormones that will be in your friends body and the side effects they will be experiencing.

- DO be over the moon for them when they get there, but don't assume this makes it all go away. It doesn't end at the positive test. Pregnancy after infertility or previous losses is a huge huge worry.

-DO invite us to your baby shower. Again, please don't make us feel awkward.

-DO understand that just like with any other medical problem,sometimes the only thing that will help us is cold hard science!

Thank you if you have read this far :). I can guarentee there will be someone you know going through this right now and you have no idea about it. 

Currently, Mr P and I are waiting for me to have an op in the new year to try and remove some of my scarring. We will then be told whether to continue trying or whether IVF is the best option for us. 

Pregnancy will be a very scary time for us and we will need progesterone medication to support the pregnancy at first as well as blood tests and monitoring. 

I hope this has given people an insight, as to how someone you know who has suffered infertility and/or losses will be feeling.

This brings us onto our Bucket List. We came up with this to keep ourselves distracted and positive until the date of my op. We are so so glad for my business that has enabled us to be able to do these things!

It is a list of things we would find a lot more challenging or impossible to do with a baby!

Our Before Baby Bucket List:

1. Spa Day (I won one for doing well in the business this summer)

2. Afternoon Tea - with champagne

3. Ice Skating

4. A break away to Venice this winter

5. Cinema

6. Theatre

7. Watching the sunrise on the beach with a picnic

8. A repeat of our first dates. Bowling, drinks and then going to the local nature park. Then the next day the beach and for a meal

9. A fancy meal

10. Go to Go Ape

I will be documenting us working through our bucket list on this blog, as well as more about the fertility side of things, my new job as a success coach, and more wedding plans. As well as the odd review of cosmetics etc :)

Thank you so much for reading and will write soon :) 

Miss P